Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Didn't Kiss & Tell

We decided early on in our pregnancy that we were not going to tell anyone that we were pregnant until the three month mark.

What a mistake! I would never do that again. It robs you of your pregnancy, your fun, your bragging rights, most of all if something goes wrong with your pregnancy..if you lose your pregnancy. It's like it never existed. It's like your child never existed! This is so wrong and very painful on so many levels.

We were having a blast! I remember my husband pulling up in front of Toys R Us and I couldn't believe it. I kept saying, "what are we doing here? I haven't been here in years!" ..but all I could do was laugh. He was so funny! We shopped til we dropped, however we only bought a few things. It was always in the back of our minds that something could go wrong. We had so much fun looking for two of everything!

When we got to the checkout there was this girl..about 20ish. I noticed a sign that said you would get a free gift if you registered in the baby department. So I asked her about it. She said after looking me over (thinking I was too old to be pregnant)...silly I could just read her thoughts.
She continued to say, "well, that is for the person having the baby." I said, "you mean the Mother?" She said, "yes." I said, "well then I'd like to register for my TWINS!" You can imagine the look on her face..too priceless!

Anyway, we felt like two kids in the baby department..scanning two of everything. It took us over two hours..we had so much fun. Then your Dad took me out for dinner...well I was too worn out to cook...right!

We still weren't announcing that we were pregnant..let alone twins, but did tell our immediate family, and a few close friends. Your Grandmother was thrilled! Everyone was very happy for us..and we were so happy...especially letting them hear both of your heartbeats that I taped when we called Dr. Patel at our first scan. I listen to it over and over...amazing!

Well a couple of months passed and we were sticking our toe in the waters, and starting to tell people that we were expecting twins. I just loved saying it.
At this time we were also getting ready for your Grandmothers Big Birthday! I wanted to have a special birthday for her..she is pretty amazing you know..the greatest!

On Gramma's birthday we decided to call Dr. Patel, just to see how you both were doing. To our shock they had just finished doing an ultrasound scan on our surrogate "S" and your siblings little heart had stopped beating. NO WAY!!! We just couldn't believe it...and your Dad and I couldn't stop crying. We were a complete mess...just a mess. We just couldn't figure it out. What happened! Both of you were just fine! Were we going to lose you too! We were now terrified, and mortified together. We were crushed...our hearts were crushed. I question the ultrasounds, and we told Dr. Patel that we wanted no more unnecessary scans. We were terrifed for you, little one..we just couldn't lose you too!
I prayed to God and the Virgin Mary for your safety, and to hold our little one in heaven, until I got there to hold my baby in my arms.

We kept a smile on that night, your gramma's birthday. I'm sure my eyes were so puffy, but we laughed with her. She didn't notice, and we didn't want her to know right now. We wanted nothing but love and happiness around her. This was her special day...our day of hell. If she only knew!
We didn't do well after, and waited to hear news of you...We just wanted to know that you were going to make thrive! To survive! What if our surro's body started contractions? Then you would be gone too.

Time dragged. I was depressed. Your Dad was too, but I think he put on a good show for me. He is such a beautiful person.

We didn't want to be negative, but we knew that we would either lose you, or that you would thrive. It was so odd, we were grieving, but yet we were supposed to be celebrating too! It was like twisting us in two directions. We grieved your sibling, and we prayed for your life. You thrived my sweet child...thank God & the blessed Virgin Mary!

...and I shouted it from the rooftops. No matter what, I was going to celebrate this pregnancy, your beautiful life!

1 comment:

  1. Your story is my story. After the twin died, I thought if we do this again, we will not tell anyone until we know that they are out of danger.